A Revealing moment

“Epiphany
(1) : a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something  
(2) : an intuitive grasp of reality through something (such as an event) usually simple and striking  
(3) : an illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure 
b : a revealing scene or moment”

— https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/epiphany

In life, we expand then we contract, and this process is forever unfolding. We are constantly changing. We are constantly transforming. In growth, we can get complacent at times. Possibly without even realizing it. Think about it, things suck we start doing the work to get to where we want to be and then we get there, now what? We either continue to unfold and develop a new direction forward or we get COMFORTABLE. Sometimes, when we become comfortable, we won’t notice it until things begin to spiral out of control again. I think these moments are needed at times because they are reminders of what we had done to get to that comfortable place and reminder to get uncomfortable. I remember my life at one point feeling uncontrollable and spiraling out of control, really just completely lost. In my case, my kids redirected me. They made me realize that in order to be a good parent, to give them the tools they need for life, I needed to get my shit together. There the work began. Growing leaps and bounds. Doing so much self-work, reflection, transforming. But for those of you who know already, spiritual growth is like a spiraling line, it isn’t just straight forward. I learned this theory in nursing school, but it can apply to life.

Looking at the line we start off moving forward and we ultimately spiral towards a higher level of organization in life. SO, we are on this journey of discovery, we hit highs and we hit fucking rock bottom. Eventually, we spiral upwards and our baseline is now at a higher level of consciousness than before. Ok, going back to my growth, I hit a plateau. I felt good. Life was going well, yes, I had highs and lows, but my goals were unfolding. I felt like despite my emotional variability, I was able to stay aware and not be CONTROLLED by those emotions (this is key, because emotions are normal, it’s how we react to them, right). I wasn’t doing the work to keep growing anymore. Or more so, I wasn’t being consistent with that work. I was maintaining. I wasn’t checking in everyday and I was slowly engaging in numbing behaviors. It was in that moment I recognized those patterns that I had before. And what is it we do when we get comfortable, we spiral back into bad habits, that’s why they are there. So, I got back on my shit. Journaling mainly but, talking to my people who I am safe with, inconsistently meditating, yoga, dancing, music, doing all the things that make me feel whole. It was in that space I had this huge epiphany, that is driving me to that next level of consciousness. Because I was struggling with myself being consistent and I was struggling with that feeling of being alone (my insecurity).

How can I expect anything from anyone else when I can’t even do it for myself? In particular, commitment and love. If I am not loving myself. Committing to myself, how can I expect it from someone else. Even more so, how can I even know what I am asking for. What is my expectation of commitment, when I am not even sure how to give it to myself. Not to mention, how can someone love me when I don’t even know how to truly love myself? It was clear as day. Commitment was never anyone other than my own to give myself. Love was never anyone else’s job to give me but my own. I mean I knew this right? But saying it out loud, writing it out, actually feeling it. That realization was like a weight lifted up off of me. You know when you get this fiery gut confirming answer, this was it. Left and right I was affirmed that this, this is the truth I needed to realize. Regardless of the relationship this realization helps set grounds and most importantly, BOUNDARIES.

I recently did a past life regression session, which if you don’t know what it is look it up! Pretty fascinating. Bu,t in the midst of the session I kept getting stuck. SO, which started as a regression turned into a healing session. Without much background of the experience, during the session my friend Dusty was there in spirit, who was mainly guiding me during the session, she brought me to my high school self, a place of lots of confusion and disconnect. In that moment I felt the urge to tell myself, all that I ever needed was myself. Instantly I felt lighter. I was blown away. Then left and right I kept getting so many reminders that I needed to turn in. I got my cards read and what did it say, I needed to set my foundation and turn in. To love myself. To choose me. I don’t think I was not loving myself, but I wasn’t being fully committed. I was inconsistent and when I wanted to numb out I did. I was detaching from my body and not dealing. It had nothing to do with anyone else but me. My friends couldn’t help me. A boo couldn’t help me. ONLY ME!

So, what inspired this post on top of everything else I just wrote up there was a quote from The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. “It is we who nourish the Soul of the world, and the world we live in will be either better or worse. And that’s where the power of love comes in. Because when we love, we always strive to become better than we are.” Truly gave me chills. Love. It truly is the answer. I don’t know what your truth is. I don’t know what you need in life. But I do know when we choose to love ourselves we are ALWAYS winning! We continue to be better in love. And when we focus on loving ourselves it affects those around us. It’s contagious. I can’t tell you how many times when I’m really loving on myself how much more I’m vibrating higher and people notice it! People acknowledge it, because they can feel the energy. SO, I hope that after you read this you love on yourself a little more! Tell yourself every single day I LOVE YOU. I SEE YOU. I HEAR YOU. I FEEL YOU!

Xoxo

Sincerely,

Jordan Olivia

The Un-becoming

I have a deep deep love and connection with the lotus flower. Really any flower that unfolds and has layers, but the lotus holds a special place in my heart because of what it signifies. You can find a lotus flower in murky, dirty water and over time it blooms up out of the murky waters and when it emerges from the water’s surface into the air it begins to bloom and unfold. It opens to this beautiful flower sitting above the dirty water, unscathed. The same dirty water the lotus had to grow out of, was the SAME exact water that cleansed it at the surface. As the flower opens it reflects so much purity. In Buddhism the lotus is a sign of potential and purity, the flower represents an awakening and spiritual growth. This concept of going through adversity, hard times, DARK times only to come out on top a soft, beautiful symbol of light is remarkable to me.

I read this quote and in so many words it was about our journey not being so much about turning into SOMETHING new and changing but it is an Un-becoming. Un-becoming everything that isn’t really you in the first place. You see, when we are born we are at our purest state. We are unscathed. But at some point, we begin to attach all of these burdens, experiences, mistakes, karmic past you name it to who we are. But what if like the lotus flower, we use these dark times, the adversity to cleanse us. It’s almost as if the pain is burning away all of our impurities. We are to un-become that jealous person, to un-become that insecure woman, to un-become that self-sabotage, to un-become all of those limiting beliefs, to un-become whatever is holding you back. All of those things we have labelled ourselves with due to our past trauma, our past issues. This process takes time and it can get shitty but it is overall amazing and believe me it is a forever thing my bad habits still come creeping and I am queen of self-sabotage, but I know for damn sure, during DARK. DARK times I allowed that time to cleanse me and help me heal. Having a complete paradigm shift and allowing me to approach these situations with an open heart and gratitude. So that these karmic behaviors no longer haunted me. Consciously working to break free from the things that I once allowed define me. Things I just allowed to become simply a part of who I was, when they didn’t need to be. The un-becoming part is me detaching and removing this layer of dirt from what defines me. Removing the hurt. Removing the anger. Removing all of the insecurities. So, I can stand above all of the gunk, and stand in my light.

I recently watched this video of a woman and I can’t even remember exactly the whole thing or where I see it but, one thing she said that stuck was, life doesn’t happen to us it happens FOR us. This was the paradigm shift I needed. What I needed to un-become those things I had told myself. It helped me find appreciation for certain circumstances. We all experience hardship, and if you don’t I think that in itself is a struggle because you can’t relate to many things, almost being lost in its own sense…Anyway, how we come out of adversity is all about perspective. Do you approach the obstacle with resistance or do you let it happen, staying present and learning from the situation? When I look back the situations I resisted or refused to see, were the lessons I experienced over and over. It wasn’t until I stopped reflecting outwards and blaming other people that I allowed myself to learn from the experiences. As I began to reflect and understand that these experiences happened FOR me, I was able to un-become and unfold into light. No longer internalizing and compartmentalizing these struggles but actually SHEDDING them.

Don’t get me wrong, there is still a lot of work to do and this relationship with myself is a forever thing. However, it feels good to know that I have stepped outside of my own ignorance and into more conscious living. In this space I accept feeling alllll the feels. And I am able to recognize when I am overthinking things and self-sabotaging myself. In this space I allow myself to unfold, with no expectations. It allows me to un-become all of those titles I once held and to become this raw light, a beautiful lotus sitting above the murky waters.

So, when people are curious how I smile every day and why I don’t complain, this is how. Instead of fighting things and approaching life with resistance, try to just be open to what is coming your way. Allowing each experience to reveal a new layer of yourself. Instead of allowing situations to define you, learn the lesson and allow that situation to guide you back to your true self. 

XOXO

Sincerely,

Jordan Olivia

Not Open for Commentary....

Today is the perfect day for this post. As women are marching in solidarity for all women everywhere. I am there in spirit. You see this is something that has been sitting on my heart for awhile. I was offended by a comment recently. I was even more so upset with how I reacted by allowing the comment to belittle me. 

THIS WAS THE PICTURE.. you may need to zoom smh!

So heres what happened, I posted a picture on my story promoting my friends clothing line. I even had lines pointing to the pants to HIGHLIGHT the jeans. They were tight & high waist jeans (not that it matters). I received a comment from a male where he pointed out my vagina print aka my camel toe, which I personally didn’t even notice. “Get that outta here.” As if I had posted the picture thinking "ahhh, yes my vagina print is showing..Perfect” ::eyerolls::. I felt kind of disgusting for a min, I was wondering if everyone else was looking at the same thing. SO, I took the photo down, not for him but to avoid any more comments. I quickly regretted that action. Why did I allow the comment to make me feel so little over my OWN FUCKING body? Frankly, IT’S NOT YOUR VAGINA TO WORRY ABOUT.

It’s not like I pulled my pants up so they purposely showed a camel toe for attention. Going on a brief tangent, lets think about this. Camel toe=Vagina? What in the world. How does my vagina or anyone's vagina equate to a camel? OBJECTIFYING my vagina and turning it into an animal, inferior to humans. Often times women are referred to as animals which undermines women's value and is insulting. Think about it "chicks, bitch, catty, etc". These terms all undermine the value of whoever is being called it. 

Anyways, back on to the story... I hadn't even noticed it until I ZOOMED in. And it really wasn’t even bad (not that I even owe an explanation) nor was it his problem to be worried about my vagina.

I’m tired of being made uncomfortable with how I was made. Women and their bodies are always being shamed, objectified, sexualized you name it. We are cat called. We are shamed for breast feeding in public (DON'T GET ME STARTED). We are expected to look a certain way and present ourself in a certain way so that it makes OTHER people feel comfortable. 

I remember when I was in college studying Women’s studies, we talked a lot about body shaming, of course! In regards to our vagina, since thats the topic on hand, I found it interesting how there was so much pressure for women to have “perfect vaginas”. I don’t even know what a perfect vagina looks like but I DO KNOW everyone should feel comfortable with what their vagina looks like. Women are undergoing surgery to cut their labia or form their vagina to look like a porn star vagina. Women feel ashamed for their vaginas. This expectation is not reality. Vaginas come in all shapes and sizes. Big vaginas. Small vaginas. Big labia, small labia. Big clits, small clits. Tucked clits. End of the day its a vagina. It’s not yours. It’s ours. It’s mine. SO keep your comments to yourself.

When you see a woman don’t cat call her. Don’t judge her for how her vagina looks. Dont judge her for her body period. Dont judge her for her acne. Dont judge her because of her hair. Dont judge her for her skin color. Don’t judge her whatsoever. Love on her, Because she probably needs it. Respect her because she deserves it. Whatever you do keep your opinions out Our vagina, MY Vagina!

Ladies, I encourage you to take a moment and look at your vagina. Get familiar with it. (If you already haven’t). Pay attention to your cycle. Pay attention to your scent. Pay attention to everything that comes along with your vagina. Get comfortable with it. Get familiar. Find appreciation for all the amazing things your vagina is capable of doing. There is nothing more powerful than a woman who knows how much power she holds! Never let anyone make you feel less than because of your vagina. Your body! YOUR TEMPLE

XOXO

Sincerely,

Jordan Olivia