For maybe the past 10 years of my life I've become comfortable with "I'm ok", "nothing is wrong" or the big one "it is what it is" I remember when I met my ex I dated right after high school used to call me the tin man and I coined "it is what it is" because instead of actually thinking about how I felt or dealing with my emotions I stuffed them away and acted like they didn't matter. In Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton (I highly Recommend) she talks about having a representative. We live our lives as this representative so we don't have to be our true selves because like most of us who wants to deal with our issues. It is easier to present the world with this representative and not have to deal with our emotions. This is how I lived. Going through the motions and doing what worked best for everyone else or what would make situations easiest. I would let everything sit and pile until boom I exploded in rage and anger. I'm sure you can ask anyone I dated in the past about my explosions. Stuffing it all away until it boiled over !! And I'd see red. And when my mind is made up that's what I'm doing and not turning back.

At some point in my life I got tired of living in a quiet misery. Slowly I started to fall deeper into a darkness. Yet I had a lot of light around me. I had two beautiful happy and healthy children and many things to be thankful for. But after pretending to be ok in a bad relationship and acting like this wasn't all to familiar I said no more. No more of this repetitive behavior. Some how the i was able to keep that light inside me which drew me towards what I needed. I began my yoga journey as a teacher and slowly I started to grow. Like a lotus flower emerging from the murky waters. I began peeling away the layers and blooming. But I only grew so much. I continued to find things that kept me distracted. I made leaps and bounds but eventually I got to a point where my growth had felt stagnate. I could no longer change my external situations, it was me! I had to change. I got so fed up. I was broken completely. Despite as much I had done like get out of that relationship, started rebuilding my future and piecing my dignity back together I was still so broken. I dove into my work and school to mask what was recalling going on inside. Constantly I felt like something was still missing. I hadn't really taken a minute to deal with what I was feeling, what I had been feeling, what I've always been feeling. Alone. I was so afraid of being alone I was willing to set my truth aside to please someone else. Whether that be in a relationship or in a friendship. In fear that, that person would leave because they didn't like what I had to say. I began Wow mastermind and Rooted and it helped guide me to what was the missing piece to my growth. I had found so many distractions that I wasn't dealing with the issue.

So now as I have discovered how to explore my emotions, my thoughts, my past trauma I feel as though I'm running naked on a cold winter night. it's so freeing. my soul feels like the cold breeze blowing through your hair, bringing chills to my skin, and my blood flowing to keep my extremities warm. My mind is constantly being blown with my own revelations, my break downs , my break throughs. My heart is warm because I actually feel like I can see the broken pieces of me and maybe I can put them back together. And every day I wake up feeling high! With a sense of gratitude and intentionally moving through my day that my senses are so stimulated it hurts so good, like the cool wind blowing on my skin. Being free from my "representative" and actually showing my true face. Not hiding behind my insecurities . I started reading Neon Soul by Alex Elle and what I gathered was her brokenness was how she connected to the world. She found this creative expression through her brokenness. And I just connected to that immensely. Because I think deep down inside it had been easier for me to be broken. I loved being the victim and crying about my problems. It's easy to act like it's not there than have to deal with it. Little did I know the high that came along with actually dealing with my emotions is so much sweeter. There is so much more to offer than brokenness and now that I'm piecing that together I no longer crave that relationship to make me whole again ! I swear god has placed so many people and situations in my life to help me grow so much and I'm truly thankful.

I met a beautiful Kindred sister the other day through Instagram. Well we got to talking and vibing and we talked about how growing up we longed for that man to come marry us, have children with, be in love with and we were set. Well here I was forcing love, I have children, and that didn't fix anything AT ALL but point out even more of my true problem. what I've realized is it is so much more than that. I don't seek for love, it seeks me. And when the time comes for my soulmate to come into my life it won't be him who completes me but complements me. the big O. Haha Timmy put me on to the big O and my how I appreciated that. Moral to my post is, don't just shuffle your emotions away and think that one day someone else is going to save you. You are the master of your own happiness. Dive into yourself and explore the heck out of your emotions. Feel them, breathe them, live them. For when you do, I promise you will be so much lighter . Also when you do people will be placed in your life who will help you grow. Who will teach you lessons. Who will teach you love. Who will give you Hope. Just keep working, it is so worth it.

It is easy to coax our issues with things or life. Maybe a relationship, maybe a job, maybe a new hobby whatever that may be but don't distract yourself from what is actually going on. Those things will never go away and will always root themselves in whatever you manifest and will grow like weeds in every new thing you try to build on until you take them from the root and pull them out!

Take time to explore yourself.

Sincerely,

Jordan Olivia